What draws us, even compels us, to love and desire one person rather
than another? There will, no doubt, be a range of superficial
similarities: points of connection, looks, attitudes and interests
shared. But that’s the case with our friends as well – and we do not
usually look at our friends in the same way we regard our lover. One
convincing theory is that we see in our lover what could be termed a
point of difference, or the embodiment of aspects of ourselves and of
our own potential which are not fully accessible to us or with which
we are not reconciled – and to which we feel closer when we are with
that lover. It could be said that when we desire we see through a
glass darkly.
than another? There will, no doubt, be a range of superficial
similarities: points of connection, looks, attitudes and interests
shared. But that’s the case with our friends as well – and we do not
usually look at our friends in the same way we regard our lover. One
convincing theory is that we see in our lover what could be termed a
point of difference, or the embodiment of aspects of ourselves and of
our own potential which are not fully accessible to us or with which
we are not reconciled – and to which we feel closer when we are with
that lover. It could be said that when we desire we see through a
glass darkly.
The rules of attraction
There is a wide range of influences over our initial sense of sexual
attraction to another person. Their looks, for example, are likely to
be close in some way to our own and those of our nearest relatives,
those who first taught us to love, and also to those of former lovers.
The moment we meet them matters: incidental, circumstantial details
can dictate whether or not two people get off to a flying start or
barely exchange a look or a word. And the points of connection do
matter: they form the basis of our first conversations and help
determine whether or not we feel this is an interesting person and one
with whom we’ll get on.
But then there is desire, which goes far beyond the attraction to
surface detail. If you described for yourself the key psychological
traits you have loved in each of your lovers, you might well find you
are describing a part of yourself that you aren’t quite in tune with –
or something you lack.
This has bearings on how you conduct and succeed in your relationships
and how, within relationships, you succeed or fail in being intimate
with your lover.
There is a wide range of influences over our initial sense of sexual
attraction to another person. Their looks, for example, are likely to
be close in some way to our own and those of our nearest relatives,
those who first taught us to love, and also to those of former lovers.
The moment we meet them matters: incidental, circumstantial details
can dictate whether or not two people get off to a flying start or
barely exchange a look or a word. And the points of connection do
matter: they form the basis of our first conversations and help
determine whether or not we feel this is an interesting person and one
with whom we’ll get on.
But then there is desire, which goes far beyond the attraction to
surface detail. If you described for yourself the key psychological
traits you have loved in each of your lovers, you might well find you
are describing a part of yourself that you aren’t quite in tune with –
or something you lack.
This has bearings on how you conduct and succeed in your relationships
and how, within relationships, you succeed or fail in being intimate
with your lover.
Here is one example. A man find himself drawn to men, especially
younger men, who have something of a self-centred streak about them.
When his relationships are not going well, he bemoans the ‘fact’ that
they only seem to care about themselves, won’t put out to take care of
his needs and wishes, only ever do what they want to do and seem
unable to empathise with others – save on a heavily, ‘deeply deep’
level, accompanied, as it were, by sweeping, romantic soundtracks, as
in Hollywood films. No prizes for guessing that this man is someway
apart from the centre of himself, is uncomfortable with his own
deepest emotions – has something of a nervous disposition, as it
happens – and ‘uses’ his lovers to heal this gap within himself.
A second example. Two men are in a long-term relationship. We’ll call
them Todd and Guy. They are 29 and 26 respectively. They row a lot. It
would be an understatement to say that Guy has something of a wild
streak. At the age of fifteen he basically decided he was going to
live it up. (He has recently returned to school.) Todd, on the other
hand, spent his adolescence in relative isolation. He doesn’t talk
about those years: it wasn’t a happy time. Now he is exceptionally
level headed, pulls in a six figure income and has life pretty much
planned. An odd couple. What’s kept them together so long? Well, yes:
each has something in his personality the other doesn’t quite have.
For all the high-tension dynamics of this relation, that difference
means this couple are mutually drawn.
One way of interpreting this ‘rule’ of attraction is to acknowledge
that relationships give us huge opportunities to grow and develop as
people. How boring, indeed deathly, it would be if were partnered with
someone exactly the same as us. We’d risk never becoming more than we
are already. We’d ossify. By being paired with people who have in the
foreground of their personalities those traits with which we are not
entirely comfortable, or which we’ve never experienced, in ourselves,
we are given the chance to develop those sides of our own
personalities – supported by the presence of our partner.
younger men, who have something of a self-centred streak about them.
When his relationships are not going well, he bemoans the ‘fact’ that
they only seem to care about themselves, won’t put out to take care of
his needs and wishes, only ever do what they want to do and seem
unable to empathise with others – save on a heavily, ‘deeply deep’
level, accompanied, as it were, by sweeping, romantic soundtracks, as
in Hollywood films. No prizes for guessing that this man is someway
apart from the centre of himself, is uncomfortable with his own
deepest emotions – has something of a nervous disposition, as it
happens – and ‘uses’ his lovers to heal this gap within himself.
A second example. Two men are in a long-term relationship. We’ll call
them Todd and Guy. They are 29 and 26 respectively. They row a lot. It
would be an understatement to say that Guy has something of a wild
streak. At the age of fifteen he basically decided he was going to
live it up. (He has recently returned to school.) Todd, on the other
hand, spent his adolescence in relative isolation. He doesn’t talk
about those years: it wasn’t a happy time. Now he is exceptionally
level headed, pulls in a six figure income and has life pretty much
planned. An odd couple. What’s kept them together so long? Well, yes:
each has something in his personality the other doesn’t quite have.
For all the high-tension dynamics of this relation, that difference
means this couple are mutually drawn.
One way of interpreting this ‘rule’ of attraction is to acknowledge
that relationships give us huge opportunities to grow and develop as
people. How boring, indeed deathly, it would be if were partnered with
someone exactly the same as us. We’d risk never becoming more than we
are already. We’d ossify. By being paired with people who have in the
foreground of their personalities those traits with which we are not
entirely comfortable, or which we’ve never experienced, in ourselves,
we are given the chance to develop those sides of our own
personalities – supported by the presence of our partner.
Conflict and intimacy
It is partly because of these differences between us – and,
specifically, because the differences are of personality traits which
are vitally important to us – that there is likely to be an element of
conflict within relationships. This is not to say that we’ll
inevitably row, or that rowing is healthy; it is to say that conflict
can arise in the presence of our partner precisely when we are most
aware of those traits that are actually drawing us to him.
Once this is understood, the experience of conflict can actually help
to draw us closer to our lover and to be more intimate.
This requires a degree of inner strength and also emotional maturity.
It is asking you to look within yourself for the quality you see in
your lover – or for the relative lack of that quality. In other words,
you need to be honest with yourself about yourself.
To return to our first example, one thing the man in question needs to
do is to reflect upon his own emotional centre. He could take time
sitting quietly, breathing deeply, relaxing and letting himself settle
– within whatever thoughts, feelings, desires and remembered
experiences he finds at the centre of his being. This will not obviate
the love of and desire for his partner – the personality of each will
always be differently emphasised. It will help him to find his way
closer to his lover. Crucially, it will help prevent him flying to an
opposite, radically de-centred extreme when the ‘self-centredness’ he
finds in his partner becomes all too much to bear, because so alien
and, to him, difficult.
In other words, where there is a conflict of personalities, within a
loving relationship, the root source of that conflict needs to be
located and resolved within the individual.
specifically, because the differences are of personality traits which
are vitally important to us – that there is likely to be an element of
conflict within relationships. This is not to say that we’ll
inevitably row, or that rowing is healthy; it is to say that conflict
can arise in the presence of our partner precisely when we are most
aware of those traits that are actually drawing us to him.
Once this is understood, the experience of conflict can actually help
to draw us closer to our lover and to be more intimate.
This requires a degree of inner strength and also emotional maturity.
It is asking you to look within yourself for the quality you see in
your lover – or for the relative lack of that quality. In other words,
you need to be honest with yourself about yourself.
To return to our first example, one thing the man in question needs to
do is to reflect upon his own emotional centre. He could take time
sitting quietly, breathing deeply, relaxing and letting himself settle
– within whatever thoughts, feelings, desires and remembered
experiences he finds at the centre of his being. This will not obviate
the love of and desire for his partner – the personality of each will
always be differently emphasised. It will help him to find his way
closer to his lover. Crucially, it will help prevent him flying to an
opposite, radically de-centred extreme when the ‘self-centredness’ he
finds in his partner becomes all too much to bear, because so alien
and, to him, difficult.
In other words, where there is a conflict of personalities, within a
loving relationship, the root source of that conflict needs to be
located and resolved within the individual.
Where this process is engaged in, self-acceptance can be more fully
achieved, essential if we are to allow ourselves to feel intimate and
to allow other people to be intimate – bonded in deepest silence –
with us.
Short term relationships – and beyond
It is useful at this point to remark on those brief relationships
which often take place when we are young and only just emerging as a
sexually active being.
It could be said here, that in these brief, emotionally super-charged
affairs, we are seeking to gather experience, as much as we can and as
immediately as possible, so as to grow ourselves. We are
pre-programmed to reach out into life and seize it, all of it, as much
as we possibly can.
The experiences, aspects of personality, we seek are often fairly
rapidly gained at this point – at least, as much of them as we want at
this stage. We fall in and out of love, partly because the draw or
attraction is often relatively superficial in comparison to the
attachments we later seek.
There is nothing wrong with this. It is a natural part of growing up.
Still, to many, there comes the point where we do seek more permanent
relationships – and have indeed found ourselves consistently drawn to
similar personality ‘types’.
At that point, for the relationships to succeed, an understanding of
how our lovers’ psychologies are working, of these rules of
attraction, can, to say the least, help.
achieved, essential if we are to allow ourselves to feel intimate and
to allow other people to be intimate – bonded in deepest silence –
with us.
Short term relationships – and beyond
It is useful at this point to remark on those brief relationships
which often take place when we are young and only just emerging as a
sexually active being.
It could be said here, that in these brief, emotionally super-charged
affairs, we are seeking to gather experience, as much as we can and as
immediately as possible, so as to grow ourselves. We are
pre-programmed to reach out into life and seize it, all of it, as much
as we possibly can.
The experiences, aspects of personality, we seek are often fairly
rapidly gained at this point – at least, as much of them as we want at
this stage. We fall in and out of love, partly because the draw or
attraction is often relatively superficial in comparison to the
attachments we later seek.
There is nothing wrong with this. It is a natural part of growing up.
Still, to many, there comes the point where we do seek more permanent
relationships – and have indeed found ourselves consistently drawn to
similar personality ‘types’.
At that point, for the relationships to succeed, an understanding of
how our lovers’ psychologies are working, of these rules of
attraction, can, to say the least, help.
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